Tomorrow is a big day. I am freaked out about it and unable to do anything constructive. The anxiety has gotten so bad that at times I feel like I'm having a heart attack. The tension in my neck, shoulders and back is at an all time high. My right arm is becoming numb from the knots in my shoulders. I always feel like I am going to throw-up. I have to remind myself to breath....
What is making me feel this way? I have a home visit scheduled with the OT from the hospital tomorrow. I have not had ANYONE in my house in at least 2 years. Maybe more. I can't remember the last person or time that someone has been in my house. Why? Partly because I have stopped "living" when I am at home. I spend the majority of time in my bedroom. In bed. Watching TV/surfing the net. The lyrics to the song "Brian Wilson" by the Barenaked Ladies runs through my head.
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
I know that I need to do something. I've had lots of chances. I am frozen. I keep telling myself that I just need to get up and do one thing. Just one. But I don't. Can't. Frozen. Solid.
Why have I let my house get so bad? Cluttered. Dirty. Unorganized. What am I hiding from? Is it to keep people away? Is it an excuse to not have relationships? Be happy?
All I know is that it does not make one bit of sense - this frozen state. It just isn't logical...
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