Tomorrow is a big day. I am freaked out about it and unable to do anything constructive. The anxiety has gotten so bad that at times I feel like I'm having a heart attack. The tension in my neck, shoulders and back is at an all time high. My right arm is becoming numb from the knots in my shoulders. I always feel like I am going to throw-up. I have to remind myself to breath....
What is making me feel this way? I have a home visit scheduled with the OT from the hospital tomorrow. I have not had ANYONE in my house in at least 2 years. Maybe more. I can't remember the last person or time that someone has been in my house. Why? Partly because I have stopped "living" when I am at home. I spend the majority of time in my bedroom. In bed. Watching TV/surfing the net. The lyrics to the song "Brian Wilson" by the Barenaked Ladies runs through my head.
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
I know that I need to do something. I've had lots of chances. I am frozen. I keep telling myself that I just need to get up and do one thing. Just one. But I don't. Can't. Frozen. Solid.
Why have I let my house get so bad? Cluttered. Dirty. Unorganized. What am I hiding from? Is it to keep people away? Is it an excuse to not have relationships? Be happy?
All I know is that it does not make one bit of sense - this frozen state. It just isn't logical...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Not Easy
“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.”
Aristotle
Try
I haven't been good at writing each day. I do think about it every day but I just don't get around to doing it. I think it is partly because writing is difficult these days. I have something in my head and I just can't express it like I want. So I don't even try!
I saw the OT earlier this week.
Today I saw the psychiatrist and nurse therapist.
Both are pushing for a home visit. That terrifies me. I haven't had anyone in my house in at least 2 years. My house will be a huge mountain to climb in my recovery. I keep telling myself that it will be good in the long run to have someone come over. I may throw up in anticipation or even during the home visit but I think it will help get whatever is blocking me mentally moving.
It left me with a big ball of something deep inside. The emotion is bubbling. I don't know what the emotion is yet. I found myself tapping my feet, clenching my hands, fidgeting like crazy.... it needs to be released. I wonder when it will happen.....
I saw the OT earlier this week.
Today I saw the psychiatrist and nurse therapist.
Both are pushing for a home visit. That terrifies me. I haven't had anyone in my house in at least 2 years. My house will be a huge mountain to climb in my recovery. I keep telling myself that it will be good in the long run to have someone come over. I may throw up in anticipation or even during the home visit but I think it will help get whatever is blocking me mentally moving.
It left me with a big ball of something deep inside. The emotion is bubbling. I don't know what the emotion is yet. I found myself tapping my feet, clenching my hands, fidgeting like crazy.... it needs to be released. I wonder when it will happen.....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Trying to find my way back home
I've lost my way.
I'm suffering with depression. A very bad depression. I have been off work since June, 2010. I'm slowly getting better. Slowly being the operative word. The most simple things are so difficult for me. I thought that if I make a promise to write every day, things might get easier. Getting out of bed might get easier. Taking the dog for a walk won't seem like an impossible task. Eating dinner won't feel like a chore.
I have not even told many people what I am going through. There are things that I haven't even said aloud to myself. They need to get out. It may be easier to say them here first. No one knows who I am. No one will even read this other than myself. Most likely. I imagine it will be pretty boring.
I've been thinking about doing this for quite a while. My first post was in January. I didn't get very far, did I? I like to imagine that this will be a insightful and well written archive of my journey back to "normal". I expect that it will not. My goal is to write something everyday; my to do list, what I managed to accomplish during the day, my dreams, my rants, crooked thoughts that pop into my head so often I hardly even notice they are there, or just a few words if I can't do much that day.
I wish myself good-luck!
I'm suffering with depression. A very bad depression. I have been off work since June, 2010. I'm slowly getting better. Slowly being the operative word. The most simple things are so difficult for me. I thought that if I make a promise to write every day, things might get easier. Getting out of bed might get easier. Taking the dog for a walk won't seem like an impossible task. Eating dinner won't feel like a chore.
I have not even told many people what I am going through. There are things that I haven't even said aloud to myself. They need to get out. It may be easier to say them here first. No one knows who I am. No one will even read this other than myself. Most likely. I imagine it will be pretty boring.
I've been thinking about doing this for quite a while. My first post was in January. I didn't get very far, did I? I like to imagine that this will be a insightful and well written archive of my journey back to "normal". I expect that it will not. My goal is to write something everyday; my to do list, what I managed to accomplish during the day, my dreams, my rants, crooked thoughts that pop into my head so often I hardly even notice they are there, or just a few words if I can't do much that day.
I wish myself good-luck!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Long Way
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long long long long
Oh , I'll just take my time
I won't lay down
The long long long long
And take the long way around
Dixie Chicks
Taking the long way around
The long long long long
Oh , I'll just take my time
I won't lay down
The long long long long
And take the long way around
Dixie Chicks
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)