Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Try
I haven't been good at writing each day. I do think about it every day but I just don't get around to doing it. I think it is partly because writing is difficult these days. I have something in my head and I just can't express it like I want. So I don't even try!
I saw the OT earlier this week.
Today I saw the psychiatrist and nurse therapist.
Both are pushing for a home visit. That terrifies me. I haven't had anyone in my house in at least 2 years. My house will be a huge mountain to climb in my recovery. I keep telling myself that it will be good in the long run to have someone come over. I may throw up in anticipation or even during the home visit but I think it will help get whatever is blocking me mentally moving.
It left me with a big ball of something deep inside. The emotion is bubbling. I don't know what the emotion is yet. I found myself tapping my feet, clenching my hands, fidgeting like crazy.... it needs to be released. I wonder when it will happen.....
I saw the OT earlier this week.
Today I saw the psychiatrist and nurse therapist.
Both are pushing for a home visit. That terrifies me. I haven't had anyone in my house in at least 2 years. My house will be a huge mountain to climb in my recovery. I keep telling myself that it will be good in the long run to have someone come over. I may throw up in anticipation or even during the home visit but I think it will help get whatever is blocking me mentally moving.
It left me with a big ball of something deep inside. The emotion is bubbling. I don't know what the emotion is yet. I found myself tapping my feet, clenching my hands, fidgeting like crazy.... it needs to be released. I wonder when it will happen.....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Trying to find my way back home
I've lost my way.
I'm suffering with depression. A very bad depression. I have been off work since June, 2010. I'm slowly getting better. Slowly being the operative word. The most simple things are so difficult for me. I thought that if I make a promise to write every day, things might get easier. Getting out of bed might get easier. Taking the dog for a walk won't seem like an impossible task. Eating dinner won't feel like a chore.
I have not even told many people what I am going through. There are things that I haven't even said aloud to myself. They need to get out. It may be easier to say them here first. No one knows who I am. No one will even read this other than myself. Most likely. I imagine it will be pretty boring.
I've been thinking about doing this for quite a while. My first post was in January. I didn't get very far, did I? I like to imagine that this will be a insightful and well written archive of my journey back to "normal". I expect that it will not. My goal is to write something everyday; my to do list, what I managed to accomplish during the day, my dreams, my rants, crooked thoughts that pop into my head so often I hardly even notice they are there, or just a few words if I can't do much that day.
I wish myself good-luck!
I'm suffering with depression. A very bad depression. I have been off work since June, 2010. I'm slowly getting better. Slowly being the operative word. The most simple things are so difficult for me. I thought that if I make a promise to write every day, things might get easier. Getting out of bed might get easier. Taking the dog for a walk won't seem like an impossible task. Eating dinner won't feel like a chore.
I have not even told many people what I am going through. There are things that I haven't even said aloud to myself. They need to get out. It may be easier to say them here first. No one knows who I am. No one will even read this other than myself. Most likely. I imagine it will be pretty boring.
I've been thinking about doing this for quite a while. My first post was in January. I didn't get very far, did I? I like to imagine that this will be a insightful and well written archive of my journey back to "normal". I expect that it will not. My goal is to write something everyday; my to do list, what I managed to accomplish during the day, my dreams, my rants, crooked thoughts that pop into my head so often I hardly even notice they are there, or just a few words if I can't do much that day.
I wish myself good-luck!
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